Friday, April 29, 2011

A Look Into My Heart

I don't know if I will actually post this, but I need a place to pull up a chair and spill. So pretend we are great friends and we are sharing stories/lives over a mice warm cup of coffee with a yummy treat. If you are reading this then I have become brave enough to voice my "real" self with you. A treat not often shared with many.

I chose this picture to represent what life can be like at times, our boots and jeans get a little muddy with the "dirt" happening. It can weigh us down and even when our minds know how good we have it and how blessed we are, our heart feels heavy with the burdens we bear.

I have been having one of those weeks where my heart is heavy. There are many reasons to explain this, but nothing really seems to match the actual heaviness that is there. I feel like screaming "I GIVE UP". Nothing seems to go as planned, nothing seems to come out right, nothing seems to be moving. I'm stuck in transition. People, primarily my husband, encourages me that it will not be this way forever, but I have been waiting a really long time for change to come. This year I have seen major progress in the emotional health of myself and my husband, but there are areas where I am praying and begging God to move, it seems like He can't hear me.

Now please know my head is screaming at my hear, "THAT IS NOT TRUE". I know the truth of God and God's word, but my heart can't seem to hear or feel it right now. I even have recent examples of God coming through in a time of need, but I am weak. My faith is weak and my response in these times is to accept the fact that nothing changes. Therefore when something does change I can be elated and surprised. I accept them as they are because it prevents the hurt and pain that comes with the hope. No one likes to hurt or be hurt so we come up with ways to deal with life. This is how I deal...I am relearning, but old habits die hard. I end up surrendering to life and stop fighting the battle.

Part of me know that I need to stop fighting and let God fight for me, but how does that really work? Where does my part and His part meet or one take over the other? Where does my responsibility end?

So there I am warts and all. I want desperately the space to free my brain, but as y'all know, life goes on. There are 5 people who need my love and attention. There are 21 students who need their teacher. There are bills to pay and a house to clean. Space will come somehow and someway, but it won't be the warm beach I need with the massive sunset :)

****Since I wrote this, I have found that my head is getting to a better place. I know that it was because of the prayers of friends, and a conversation with Adam to help me balance my thoughts a little. There are people in far worse situations than I so please excuse my ranting and raving about "poor little me", but a girl can have an occasional pity party right?****

No comments: