A Look Into My Heart

I don't know if I will actually post this, but I need a place to pull up a chair and spill. So pretend we are great friends and we are sharing stories/lives over a mice warm cup of coffee with a yummy treat. If you are reading this then I have become brave enough to voice my "real" self with you. A treat not often shared with many.

I chose this picture to represent what life can be like at times, our boots and jeans get a little muddy with the "dirt" happening. It can weigh us down and even when our minds know how good we have it and how blessed we are, our heart feels heavy with the burdens we bear.

I have been having one of those weeks where my heart is heavy. There are many reasons to explain this, but nothing really seems to match the actual heaviness that is there. I feel like screaming "I GIVE UP". Nothing seems to go as planned, nothing seems to come out right, nothing seems to be moving. I'm stuck in transition. People, primarily my husband, encourages me that it will not be this way forever, but I have been waiting a really long time for change to come. This year I have seen major progress in the emotional health of myself and my husband, but there are areas where I am praying and begging God to move, it seems like He can't hear me.

Now please know my head is screaming at my hear, "THAT IS NOT TRUE". I know the truth of God and God's word, but my heart can't seem to hear or feel it right now. I even have recent examples of God coming through in a time of need, but I am weak. My faith is weak and my response in these times is to accept the fact that nothing changes. Therefore when something does change I can be elated and surprised. I accept them as they are because it prevents the hurt and pain that comes with the hope. No one likes to hurt or be hurt so we come up with ways to deal with life. This is how I deal...I am relearning, but old habits die hard. I end up surrendering to life and stop fighting the battle.

Part of me know that I need to stop fighting and let God fight for me, but how does that really work? Where does my part and His part meet or one take over the other? Where does my responsibility end?

So there I am warts and all. I want desperately the space to free my brain, but as y'all know, life goes on. There are 5 people who need my love and attention. There are 21 students who need their teacher. There are bills to pay and a house to clean. Space will come somehow and someway, but it won't be the warm beach I need with the massive sunset :)

****Since I wrote this, I have found that my head is getting to a better place. I know that it was because of the prayers of friends, and a conversation with Adam to help me balance my thoughts a little. There are people in far worse situations than I so please excuse my ranting and raving about "poor little me", but a girl can have an occasional pity party right?****

Bubbles

Life little joys are what makes the memories. This year our egg hunt had a bubble machine. The boys loved it. #4 in particular thought it was fun to run through the bubbles. #2 thought it was fun to pop the bubbles.

Updated Blog Roll

It seems too small to mention, but I wanted to point out that I have added some blogs that I read on a regular basis through google reader. Some are food, some are decorating, some are just life blogs. Just thought I would mention it.

Embrace the Camera

I was unable to get to this last week, but I made sure to get one this week. This is #3 and I on a train. He is taking me to Disneyland. Do you see how he is making the train noises? BTW, I need pictures like these to remind of his sweet person. The three year old independence has begun. Lord, help us.

It's Back

When #1 turned 5, he received a battery powered quad from Grandma and Papa. It was so much fun and has lasted a long time. Sometime this fall though, after several years of use, it decided it needed a break. Translation: it stopped going. Papa was bound and determined to get that quad up and running for his "little buddies". It needed a new battery, simple fix. Now it has been returned to its home in the backyard and another brother is learning how to use this monster. (Heaven help us) The boys are re-enjoying this gift all over, but I am afraid my garden "fence" has not survived day 2 of riding. Now I am hoping that these plants will survive. #3 is not the safest driver :)

The Family Picture

This was round 2 of family pictures. The first round was not good. It is so hard to get 6 people to look all at the same place. This is the best we could do. It is funny to see this picture of us. My kids are getting older and I guess, by default, I am too. I think about the pictures of my parents when I was little. They were so old to me and wise. I look at myself and see the same me, but supposedly I know more and should have it more together. Do I feel wise? Do I feel old? None of this and yet, I know my kids will think the same of me. So there is no having it together here....just plugging along praying for God's grace in my life and the lives of my kids. Hope you had a great Easter.

Easter- Learn to Love

What are your plans? If you are local come join my awesome church, Sandals. If your not local, you can stream it on livestream. Technology is wonderful. I am so excited to see what it means to truly love people like Jesus does. I will be there most of the time so find me and I can help you find where you need to go.

Directions:

All pictures were borrowed from www.sandalschurch.com

Good Morning Face

Trying to capture that first moment, but as soon as he saw the camera he said "cheese".

Almost every morning I walk in to a little boy who says an enthusiastic high-pitched "hi". He is so happy when he wakes up, it is too cute. He is growing up too fast for me. I love this kid.

A Boys' World I Live In

Lately, I have been contemplating the boy world I live in. I rarely do girly stuff like get my nails done or even go shopping just because it's fun. I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything. I have heard time and time again that boys are easier, but there still is a part of me wondering what would having a girl have been like. At least I would have another multi-tasker in the bunch. Perhaps someone who would inspire me to paint my nails more often or be more "girly".

Instead we conduct experiments like turning water green and then playing in it...all the while in our underwear. Perhaps we can even taste the green water.

Of course there needs to be splashing to make the best possible mess there can be.

Even the youngest knows that is what he's supposed to do.

At least one in the bunch knew he needed to clean off his feet before entering the house.

Then we moved on to building and creating a train track, no playing dolls or having tea parties here.

Perhaps I have some engineers on my hands.

Post Coming

I know I need to get on it, but in a teacher's world we are experiencing the finals....CST testing. For those not in the state of California that would be the biggest test of the year. It determines so much for our schools and really for us as teachers. We fight against every obstacle all year long to teach and mold young minds and this is our measure by which we are graded. Is it right/fair? I don't know, but it is what it is and therefore stress runs high and I go home exhausted. But I have some pics and posts coming up, so don't be distressed my 5 faithful followers.

Thoughts

This word has been on my mind a lot this week. Perhaps because I am feeling the call to pray more. The Mr. and I began reading or I should say re-reading a book called Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. It goes through the Christian disciplines that we should be incorporating every day. The first one is meditation...I am no so good at that. My mind can't seem to stay still enough to truly focus, but I am continuing to practice. The second one is prayer. (By the way he splits them into 3 categories: inner, outer, and corporate)

What is prayer and how do we do it?

Prayer (pray) is simple. It is talking to God. We do it by talking to God. I know...complicated. Not really, but for some reason we make it out to be more than it needs to be be. There are so many people who are nervous about praying, but reality is God just wants to spend the time with you. He wants to hear your heart, the good and the bad. He is never surprised by what we think about Him or others so I find it is best to be honest about it from the start.

But back to where I started....I stink at praying....there I said it. In everything I have ever read about people who were the closest to God, the common factor is they spent some quality time with Jesus and a lot of time there as well. I am finding that I struggle spending 5 minutes in prayer. Why is it so hard? I don't really know...I am working that one out. But in the journey to be more like Christ I have been challenging myself to have an attitude of prayer where what I say with my eyes closed or with others is really a prayer to God. That way I am praying all the time.

Then there is another aspect of praying I am working on. Recently, a string of events has come up and I find no other place to go, but to the Lord. He knows my heart and I never have to explain...I just talk, but I am sick of praying for me. My life is so great compared to others and even if others are like me it just feels better to lift my eyes up from my own issues and focus my prayers on others issues. There is something about standing in the gap for someone else, taking their needs to God on behalf of them.

Why do we need to pray though?

Prayer changes things. It either changes me and my heart or the situation. It does things that in my own strength I could not. But I am weak and forgetful (like some people I know in the Bible), I think that somehow I can do it. No, I cannot. I have seen God work miracles in my life and the lives of other so I know that prayer works.

Hopefully, I can learn how to place myself continually at the feet of the cross and talk to the One who loves me more than I can ever imagine.

Image borrowed from here

To help me practice why don't you leave a request for me. If it is specific we might see God move in an amazing way. If you want to share, but are worried about sharing over the Internet e-mail me.

Embrace the Camera

Life has certainly tried to dissuade me in posting, but here we go...Embrace the Camera day. Every morning I go into to get #4 and he greets me with a high pitched "hi". He is so fun. This picture was taken by #1 so excuse the angle, but again that may be what the day is about. Capture the moment, from here on out I will have a picture from an awkward angle, but I will know my oldest took it.

Happy Wednesday!!!

Attempt

This last weekend I attempted to make homemade yogurt. I am not the type to really do things like this, but it seemed easy enough. I put a gallon of whole milk in my crock pot and cooked on low for 3 hours. Then I let it sit for another 3 hours. Next, I added a cup of plain yogurt to the mixture. Then I wrapped the whole thing in a large beach towel and let it be for a whole night.

I need a final picture, but the last step I wasn't able to really do. That is strain it so you have the good thick stuff. It is like Greek yogurt, but a lot cheaper. So here is where I need some help. How would you strain the yogurt? If you have a thought let me know. I have three containers full of yogurt, but it is a little runny and needs to be strained.

Someday

You thought I forgot to blog today. Nope, just a little later than usual. That is what happens when I get back on school time. Any who, just wanted to show you a little peek at our life. This morning Adam sent me a text with a picture of #4 in the mess of this. Oh joy, we have reached the stage of mischief and mayhem. What cracked me up the most was when I was talking to #3 about it. He shared that his little brother had done this and we will need to "clean it up someday". I love it because it shows his priority of cleaning. It doesn't have to be done today, but someday. In all honesty he may like it better because he can get to the shirts he like faster.

Empty drawer

Full Floor

My "someday" will be this evening. I guess it gives me another chance to continue to purge this house of unnecessary items.

Are we in the city or the country?

I have a coworker (who is also #3's K teacher and was #1's teacher as well) who owns a horse so yesterday we went over to her place and got to ride Hershey.

Here are the boys waiting their turn.

I don't know, perhaps next year's Christmas card?

Every one got a chance to ride (including myself, but guess who is the photographer for the family)

We were able to walk around and see other horses and animals. The boys are petting the miniature horse, Sunshine. She was very friendly. #3 thought this was great horse, just his size. There were chickens everywhere. These baby chicks were so cute.

Then we were able to help brush and clean Hershey up.

That is when #4 got his turn on the horse.

We took a small detour to find some longhorns. Wait, am I in Texas or California? I love seeing the little ones make the effort to be with his "bruders". He loves them to pieces and never wants them to be too far from him. (you see his boots? a must for boys who ride horses)

It was a fun family adventure, but sadly our week has come to an end. My goal though is not to get lost at work and try to keep up to date with the blog.

How I love Spring Break

The first thing we did (after the going to Home Depot) was get some books. I was not excited to go because I knew we had a fine from the summer and I was ashamed and embarrassed to have to pay, but I sucked it up and went in. I am glad we did. We got so many good books (and movies). The boys love the newness of having something good to read and I love the fact that they want to read. #2 trying to hid in his book. He is not reading chapter books yet, but likes to pretend to right now. I am currently reading him Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We have 4 more chapters to go.

#1 is my reader. He found some great books. He is in a contest at school to read so he has to get on it. He is sitting on the couch without cushions because they get taken off on a regular basis to build forts and barricades.

#3 was even happy to get some books to read.

Yesterday we went over to some friends' house got to explore the area "over the fence". It is a boy's paradise. We got muddy and saw all kinds of birds, plants, and bugs.

I kind of like this shot and kind of don't. Here are the two older boys contemplating their plan of exploring.

This is what is "over the fence". A giant flood plain. We went way past those trees in the distance. I was proud that #3 made it all the way without whining or complaining.

It wouldn't be a good hike if you didn't have to cross a tree bridge. (there was a safer way which we took, but they loved it)

Here are the kiddos stretched out marching back. I love this because it shows all of them (minus her youngest and my youngest)

I am loving Spring Break. It is giving me a taste of summer and I like it. This may not be good for the last few weeks of work. I should start mentally preparing to go back, but I think I will wait till Sunday. :)