Sunday, January 2, 2011

New Year

So I haven't posted in awhile. I can tell you all the reasons why, but it seems like I am making excuses and there are no reasons to make excuses. All Christmas break I have wanted to post, but know that God really wanted me to be honest and vulnerable and well, I just didn't want to do that. I have written what I wanted to say in my head, but never put it down so here we go. (I will put pictures in because what is a post without pictures?)
Aren't they cute? They are, but they are a lot of work. Parenting is not easy and it really is not easy when you want to build integrity, respect, hard work, and love into their lives. Part of my struggles have been that I have to work. I enjoy work, but I think if I had my "perfect" life I would be home. Now I want to stop and pause. Did you notice the word perfect...? Yes, perfectionism. That is a battle I face almost every day. There is a part of me that says you can do it right, have it all done perfect. This gets me into so much trouble. I find that I become disappointed quickly and stress easily if things seems to be going a way that I don't think they should. I have struggled with this from a very early age. I remember if something didn't happen the way I thought it should I would cry, pout, or be mad. Well, I will say I have made some progress, but deep down I still want it be the way I think it should be.
While raising four boys though, I find that my plans get dashed to pieces really quick. I am learning how that is ok and I need to find space for them to be who they are and have them accept that sometimes it has to go my way as well. This plays out when I'm planning memorable moments for our family. I made have timed it wrong or someone is just in a yucky mood. It is in those moments I must relinquish my control. Really that is what it all boils down to anyway, control. I like control. I like to control the experiences my children have and what they encounter. Reality check...impossible to do. So I am learning how to let God have my children and trust Him to take care of them. My job is to help them work through the stuff that happens to them. I have to teach them how to respond when someone hurts their feelings or when they are faced with their own failures. It is easy to see this with children, but what about when it comes to me and my junk.

My loving husband says I have the spiritual gift of comparison. (that's not a real gift btw) I have to agree. I love to read blogs and see how many talented people there are, but the problem comes when I want to become that person as well. I begin a process of thoughts that get me depressed and sad about where I am. Some examples of this is "why can't I do that?" "Look at her, why can't I look like that?" "Her house is beautiful, why can't I make that or do that or create that?" It is in the moments that I have to STOP, and remember who God created me to be. And to be honest, I am relearning this. In the midst of work and family I have lost some of this. There are definite passions that are being awakened, but I am learning what it means to be me with all the roles that I play now. I am no where near being "arrived", but am starting to take the steps needed. Without Christ I would be nothing and have no idea where to start. GRACE is the most precious thing for me right now. He is covering all the mistakes I am making along the way and loving me for who I am now and He knows who I am going to be when I am perfected in His Presence. So there it is all laid out for you. There is so much more to share, but I think I will stop here.

Happy New Year!!!!

1 comment:

Adriana said...

Thank you for sharing Shanalea! I love your honesty. It is so easy to want something or be like someone and feel down when we don't have it or aren't like that person. Thank goodness for prayer and for reminders of the blessings that we have! I, too, struggle with these same exact things! You have a beautiful family, you're a great teacher, and I've watched your relationship with Christ grow. You've blessed so many through prayer, listening, and by allowing God to use you as his instrument. You are a beautiful person and I admire you. Give Avery a big hug from me! He sure is getting big!